1. Not talking about finances.
2. Combing accounts too early.
3. Sharing credit cards, real estate and other types of debt.
4. Getting surprised by the marriage penalty.
5. Ignoring the risk of a break-up.
6. Putting one person in charge of money.

I second these sentiments, and I’m thinking I might check out the book from which these tips are excerpted.

While there are a range of positive characteristics an individual can exhibit, characteristics such as “self-esteem, resistance to depression, optimism, or ease with relationships”, the researchers found that self-compassion was unique in predicting who would better weather a divorce process.  Changing oneself in the midst of such a stressful experience may be difficult.  Nevertheless, it may be worth the effort to work on self-compassion if it will help someone feel better faster and longer following a divorce.

In a divorce, the first issue is what is legally-appropriate division of the retirement account, if any.  Sometimes it’s preferable for a divorcing person to keep the entire balance of a retirement account and for their spouse to receive other assets to create an equitable settlement.

If you do decide to divide a retirement account, the process to divide it differs depending on what kind of account it is.  Some divisions can be accomplished simply by stating what each person gets in the final decree and then notifying the account holder; for some accounts, like a 401(k) account or a pension plan, you will likely need a court order to divide the account.  This is one of those things that it’s worth discussing with an attorney because there are some seemingly small details in those orders that can make a big difference!

Communication, particularly differing styles, is often an issue in marriage.  The paradox is that it’s also a key ingredient for a good divorce.  For this couple, I was struck by the fact that they sat down together to discuss how they’d tell their children; that was a sign to me that they they potentially had the skills and inclination to work through the issues they’d been dealing with.  This quote, though, is my favorite of the piece “Marriage is a constant process of finding the best possible way to connect with another person.”

The author offers a few possible explanations for why folks in their twenties, married fewer than five years would want to end the marriage.  I’m not sure I accept the connection between the end of celebrities’ marriages in that manner influencing “normal” marriages.  Another explanation offered–that there’s simply more change and acceptance of change–rings truer to me.  As a married person myself, I am resistant to a third explanation offered, namely that marriage is “completely at odd with modern messages of choice and freedom and ambition”.  Can’t you embrace those things with your spouse?

The bottom line is that it’s best to talk about these things upfront, when you’re looking at moving in together or getting married, rather than later in a relationship when things aren’t going well!